Gwyneth Paltrow is right to look sheepish; the latest salvo from her horrifyingly affected and annoying website, GOOP, is a screed on detoxifying — which begins, incredibly, with the observation that Paltrow wants “to lose a few pounds of holiday excess.”  This failed attempt to seem relatable to the average reader assumes that anyone believes an excess pound has ever adhered to Paltrow’s willowy frame (number of WENN Blog staffers buying that: zero), and also assumes that the average reader has either the time or the inclination to undergo deeply unpleasant fasts and cleanses “a couple of times during the year” as Paltrow does.

Paltrow then flogs an upcoming book by a friend, before laying out her one-week detox menu — which requires seven or eight separate steps per day, several of them fairly elaborate smoothie or soup recipes that call for obscure ingredients and will clearly not take the “5 minutes” sometimes claimed for their preparation.

This detox is for rich people who have nothing better to do, in other words, although the rich person under discussion here might do well to familiarize herself with the correct spelling of the word “zucchini.”

“Juice everything into a glass, being sure to alternate the kale with the other ingredients to help it get through the juicer easily (I follow each small bit of kale with a celery stalk).”

YOU ARE A CELERY STALK.

SIMILAR POSTS:

• Paltrow makes the sense that isn’t, says she wants more two-year-olds (April 16, 2009)
• Fishstuck (February 5, 2009)
• How to walk the walk (January 27, 2009)
• Pepper Potts pulls Paltrow’s progeny from prissy London pad (March 20, 2009)
• A Good Thing (October 23, 2008)

Categories: Unintentional Hilarity
Tags: Gwyneth Paltrow / internet follies / rules which do not apply to the famous / smells like "shut up"
Author: Sarah Bunting